The Poison We Drank

nightsmare @ 2003-10-07T23:47:00

2003-10-08T03:47:14Z

i don't think i'm going to make it.

I let the beast in too soon.

2003-07-31T07:14:44Z

My parents were fined and thrown off a train by police officers last Saturday. Apparently, its illegal to put your feet up on unoccupied seats in empty subway cars. Oh, how I do love the dynamics of this city! I can sooo see how enforcing laws like that and others, such as, not feeding pigeons (and squirrels? I better find out before I'm arrested for dropping a peanut) will make living here so much more safe. I mean, especially since we've made it terribly difficult to walk into City Hall with a gun and say, murder a councilman. Oh, and how about how hard it is to, hmmm, force a 9 year old girl to the roof of a building and, hm...I don't know...perhaps rape and sodomize her. We sure as hell have those crimes under control! Why not break down on the actual "evil" stuff!

Grr.

My modem is being such a basket case. So. Yeah.

the greener grass is misplaced.

2003-07-24T17:16:57Z

i awoke this morning, covered in dust;
the exhaust from machines, exhaust
from wilted bodies
the sunlight, grey in it's weariness,
didn't even bother with my windowsill
the search for a stillness here is gruesome,
like the search for one's relevance,
but foolish me, i slave for it; starvation
leading to desperation
even in my most sedate form, i am much too
alive for this place
with its devastation and noise, it's
decadence and rotted glamour:
it's tragic future
i loathe how i go months with no horizon,
and how the grass cries from beneath the concrete,
and how the buildings and sidewalks make
rain and moonlight seem so pointless and
invisible
i guess i woke up bitter, choking
on smog and the way the city rejects me
my eyes blur from the strain of looking too hard
for anything that isn't a part of someone's sick
imagination, my spine bends from the weight
of constant disappointment
the fire that twists and writhes inside me,
is a fire among ashes

find a home in me.

2003-07-23T23:39:09Z

in my dreams, i can't stop
touching you
i can't stop thinking
how normal that world would be
if i lived there
the magic would dissipate
with the curling of my fingers in
the palm of your hand
we'd drink red wine with sex
and revel in our sophistication
everyday would be like suicide

Do not apply to broken skin.

2003-07-15T18:35:36Z

I wonder if there's a way I can gently suggest my mother to seek a therapist without her disowning me or hitting me...

Today is not a good day. I woke up with a drippy nose, an itch in my lungs and my eyes all heavy and stoner-like. This has shortened my patience and made me cranky. I've already snapped at my mom and Deja today. I just want to sleep. For a long while. Perhaps forever.

You make me so sad.

Wanna see me ramble about girly stuff? Ok, good. I took out my extensions a couple of nights ago, which was painful because a lot of the back pieces were still braided in pretty tight. My natural hair has regained it's health and most of the normal dark brown/black color is starting to grow back in. Asia said the way I wore my hair last night made me look like a care bear. The pink one. I miss that cartoon.

I shaped my eyebrows all unevenly the last time I plucked them, so now I have to let them grow all the way back in before attempting to shape them again. I'm thinking of just shaving them off completely. It might be cool to walk around eyebrowless for a while and not have to worry about the hair on at least that part of my body.

Which reminds me, I have to shave my legs. And, um, down there.

I had to turn down that job I was offered a week or so ago. I have to take care of Deja because apparently, her true guardians don't know what responsibility is. I'd rant on about how silly it is for a virgin to all of a sudden have to wake up and be a mom, but I think I've tired that bit out already. I suppose its not that big of a deal. Whatever.

I think I've forgotten where to begin with the whole applying to college thing.

Writing this has drained whatever it was I had left. I wish I had a pill to pop, or some drugs to do, or even some wine to drink (I'm not going to touch the vodka snuggled in my underwear drawer for a while) but alas, I don't. So. Off to bed with me before I find something more destructive to indulge in.

You don't know me. Say you wish you did.

2003-07-11T06:11:53Z

lime flavored tic tacs.

play doh.

stove top grills.

:)

p.s. - a real update, soon perhaps?

Gargle your words the way a lover would.

2003-07-07T16:15:49Z

Somehow, cleaning my room has become another form of self injury for me.

I'd love nothing more than to lay in bed and wither away for the rest of the day.

My messiah is listening to songs I've listened to hundreds of times but feeling like its the first time.

My shoulders look like knees today.

Playing coy.

2003-07-03T22:07:50Z

the way you stumbled across us, only slightly inebriated: that was different. i would have never guessed your mouth could hold so many words. you rejected my paper animals, my magic, in order to keep yours. all this time, you had guessed wrong. somehow, i was able to correct you with the inability to still my eyes; perhaps you realize how unnerving it is to look into yours. they were well-hidden yesterday. the way you smirked and gracefully repudiated meeting my anger only intensified my scrutiny. you should have never threatened to snatch God from my hands, tear Him up and throw Him in my face. [entertainment] on a wildly dreary day shall not be thrown around.

i think i may have figured out your game. despite the irrelevance of it all, for i'll never reach the marrow of this before it changes, i'll continue to ponder. we cannot help who we are. we cannot help the desire to, either. it is good to feel alive, even if only for a short while.

nightsmare @ 2003-07-01T11:52:00

2003-07-01T15:58:19Z

panic.

nightsmare @ 2003-06-28T14:44:00

2003-06-28T18:50:58Z

Self worth may just be the greatest illusion.

the past is shed with dead skin and her true face becomes revealed as she grows into her full glory.

2003-06-26T23:45:53Z

there was no talk of dreams as we laid, as we bathed our [restless] night's wounds in pools of summer that are made on unmade beds. no trace of comfort left in our silences; no trace of solace left in our touching. the suffocation of words unsaid writhes, caught within the distance neither one of us cares to breach. we've become mirrors and all we can see are our facades; invisible rules binding us to our games and the only means of safety is to pretend and to hide. our mouths become lies but i taste no regret or sorrow on yours. i lack the strength that is feigned by most because in that one moment, i wasn't just watching you; i was loving you. but all of that, as well as the marrow of this, becomes bundled in irrelevance and settles into dull aches felt in my bones.

nightsmare @ 2003-06-24T13:28:00

2003-06-24T17:33:23Z

i try not to blame myself. i try not to hate myself. but apparently i don't try hard enough because today i do. and its bad.

nightsmare @ 2003-06-18T03:04:00

2003-06-18T07:12:18Z

A heart is in the right place when it is nowhere.

I'll be your answer.

2003-06-15T20:16:54Z

Asia's grandfather had a stroke on Thursday. I tried comforting her when she cried but I think I'm bad at that. So I made her laugh instead. Then I had her play checkers. Wiping the board with someone's ass made her forget for a while.

Yesterday was inconsistent and at the end of it I became sick. For my mother's birthday, I made a lemon cake the way [this recipe said] the Greeks did/do. I made maraschino cherry icing, but it was a nauseating pink color that reminded me of bubble gum flavored medicine or that bubble gum flavored stuff the dentist puts on your teeth, so I used red food coloring to darken it. I didn't mean to entertain the thought of dropping some of my own blood into the icing.

Then came going to the movies with friends. Or "friends". Ahem. A 10 year old boy voiced his opinion on my hair, saying that there were too many colors. To humor him, I thanked him and promised to keep that in mind the next time I did my hair. He should have been satisfied, but he wasn't.

On the walk to the theater, people on the sidewalk stared. Drivers in their cars stared. Couples dining in restaurants stared. The ushers at the movie theater stared. One of them followed and sat a couple of rows behind me. Its one thing to be absently aware of all that. Its quite another to have it all pointed out to you.

Bruce Almighty was funnie. Then it ended and all the laughter was forced. We weaved our way through drunk crowds home. I saw a tiny dog with panic in its eyes as it tried to avoid getting stepped on by all the alcoholics on the street and it made me angry, so I raised my voice above everyone else's and said that I hoped the dog wasn't lost. Its owner, standing an arm's length away, glared at me before scooping up his dog and storming across the street. Asshole.

We went to sit in this quiet park behind my apartment building and I rolled around in it's filth and maybe some kid's urine. Tiffany insisted the scars on my upper left arm were old. I told her they weren't.

"I'd come over but I think you're afraid of girls..."

2003-06-14T03:29:38Z

.in one fell swoop.

you can't escape who you are and you are who you are and no one can take that from you but sometimes you wish someone would because somewhere along the way or perhaps since the very beginning the songs only you seem to hear and the sights only you seem to see have imprisoned your being and set you apart too many times now the distance seems so stark and taunting and you wonder if everyone else is just pretending and lying to you when they call you queer or when their eyes make the condemnations their tongues would never dare to or when their air simply states that you do not belong here with them and you watch with sick fascination as the bravest disguise their fear and confusion and curiosity with anger and spite when they step forward to lash out at you with words that grate against your bones and for a little while you don't even notice how deeply you're cut and how badly you bleed.

nightsmare @ 2003-06-08T17:09:00

2003-06-08T21:15:02Z

It stings to know that soon after an argument with my father or brother, my mom can be found laughing with them because it usually takes a week for her to even look in my direction after one with me.

oral anesthetic.

2003-06-06T05:00:53Z

she said how perfect and
i answered of course and
it made a horrendous amount
of sense.

a room can hold but so
many deceptions, and when
light barely reaches the edges,
very little becomes expected, but
the enormity of that little gifts
paralysis to the most wary or
perhaps

just me.

i didn't know pleasure felt so
much like desperation or that
it could fill you so mercilessly
like grief or that tears are
sometimes not tears but
rather just tears;

or that making me feel
beautiful was so much like
throwing me

away.

Dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts.

2003-06-05T12:42:46Z

- Dinner party thing was this past Saturday. It seems not all appetites were as strong as I had anticipated, but the leftover food allowed mum to take a break from cooking for a couple of days, so it was positive in that aspect. Perhaps next time, if there is a next time, I'll request that all the guests minimize they're eating for a couple of days prior to the dinner. Hmm, relief through masturbation may be required before arrival as well.

- Saturday was also the one year anniversary of my being purge-less. It didn't go unnoticed as I was reminded during key moments of my gag reflex. Maybe I can begin to put that part of the past 8 years behind me. We'll see.

- Brandyn.

- I guess I'm not truly surprised at how little a certain beau of 3 years actually knows me. I wonder if anger can be blamed for the dullness of his brain when he accused me of: not reading, forgetting those who genuinely care about me, and worse of all, not caring for myself. How can I expect someone else to give a shit about me if I won't even do it myself? Heh, right. He attempted to prove the latter by also accusing me of thinking everyone hates me. I told him that my mother isn't everyone. And that I read too much (if there's even such a thing). And that I actually forget very little. And...what the hell does reading have to do with anything anyway? Not to mention he probably hasn't picked up a book in years.

Bleh. I'm going to go find some tea. And not read. And not think of a certain someone who I trust does genuinely care about me and how I have to trust that because it isn't easily apparent.

nightsmare @ 2003-05-27T09:14:00

2003-05-27T13:20:19Z

I wish I had someone to pounce.

Spittle.

2003-05-23T20:57:42Z

Dilemna: Having this deep rooted craving to create a bountiful 3-course meal but afraid disordered eating habits won't let me touch a thing, or worse, afraid disordered eating habits will have be devouring everything last bite.

Solution: Inviting 17 year old brother, all of his 17 year old friends and their 17 year old appetites to an elaborate dinner party catered by moi.

Ah. Those elementary school problem solving skills sure did come in handy.

splintered.

2003-05-22T05:55:10Z

in the shadowy fields of a corner
.
tasting you left me tongue-sore;
.
revulsion draws me back again
.
and i learn to embrace the ache
.
of relishing you while your salt and
.
contempt burns the roof of my mouth.

One last.

2003-05-13T23:33:59Z

Missing Brandyn because of the childlike honesty that saturated our conversations. There was no need for words games, none of that sophisticated predator-prey chasing with murky metaphors and savage euphemisms. I could pretend to be cleansed of shame.

Not that I don't enjoy word games.

There's something wrong with my modem. That's about as much as I could figure out about pending computer problems. I can't stay connected to the net and when AOL "unexpectedly" quits, I'm told its due to low memory but that's bullshit because there's nothing wrong with the memory...plenty of it is available.

Damn. Listening to the radio gives me a headache.

And I don't need anymore headaches. I'm coming down with another fever and its draining me at a harsh rate. It seems for every hour that I'm awake, I need two to recover. Fever induced nightmares leak into the day, leaving me disoriented and frustrated. I push myself, though. I blame it on the primal instinct to hide weaknesses. I forced breakfast on my brother's friends when they randomly dropped by to pick him up yesterday morning. They dropped by again this morning, although I'm willing to bet it wasn't random.

I was ready for them with egg sandwiches and oatmeal.

Sulfuric.

2003-05-10T07:10:44Z

I dreamt we were passionate, living in a bravely vivid world, filled with appetite and aspirations, ardor and zeal, bursting with unforgiving sensuality. Then I woke up.

I always wake up.

The dreams evaporate and what's left is this reality. Bleached. Jaded. Composed of a dank desperation that consumes most and leaves them with nothing but the twisted belief that quantity rules over quality, that virtues are nothing more than embellished flaws, that regardless of the notions of moral and ethic, the only way to survive in a world where no one survives is to strip those within reach of their spirit/essence.

And so it seems I've been somewhat able to encompass a few incoherent thoughts with words.

.
.
.

I had left. But what does leaving matter when there is absolutely no where to go? What was I trying to prove? I'm not just dying here. I'm dying, period. Quietly bleeding to death, in plain sight of those who insist they care, of those who I wish still did. There really is no reason to be away from my room, my bed, the familiar misery. In addition, a bunnie was sick. Silly reason? Well then, fuck you. That brought me back quicker than if I was to hear my mother was sick. Heh, such sass when typing those words...I'd never speak them. She seems to be getting better...the bunnie that is.

Brandy, yum.

nightsmare @ 2003-05-08T02:35:00

2003-05-08T06:41:20Z

I dreamt we were passionate.

nightsmare @ 2003-05-02T00:23:00

2003-05-02T04:28:18Z

My life is one of those reality television shows.