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11:47pm 07/10/2003
  i don't think i'm going to make it.  
     

(7 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
I let the beast in too soon.   
03:08am 31/07/2003
 
mood: mournful
music: Human Behaviour: Bjork
My parents were fined and thrown off a train by police officers last Saturday. Apparently, its illegal to put your feet up on unoccupied seats in empty subway cars. Oh, how I do love the dynamics of this city! I can sooo see how enforcing laws like that and others, such as, not feeding pigeons (and squirrels? I better find out before I'm arrested for dropping a peanut) will make living here so much more safe. I mean, especially since we've made it terribly difficult to walk into City Hall with a gun and say, murder a councilman. Oh, and how about how hard it is to, hmmm, force a 9 year old girl to the roof of a building and, hm...I don't know...perhaps rape and sodomize her. We sure as hell have those crimes under control! Why not break down on the actual "evil" stuff!

Grr.

My modem is being such a basket case. So. Yeah.		  
     

(2 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
the greener grass is misplaced.   
01:08pm 24/07/2003
  i awoke this morning, covered in dust;
the exhaust from machines, exhaust
from wilted bodies
the sunlight, grey in it's weariness,
didn't even bother with my windowsill
the search for a stillness here is gruesome,
like the search for one's relevance,
but foolish me, i slave for it; starvation
leading to desperation
even in my most sedate form, i am much too
alive for this place
with its devastation and noise, it's
decadence and rotted glamour:
it's tragic future
i loathe how i go months with no horizon,
and how the grass cries from beneath the concrete,
and how the buildings and sidewalks make
rain and moonlight seem so pointless and
invisible
i guess i woke up bitter, choking
on smog and the way the city rejects me
my eyes blur from the strain of looking too hard
for anything that isn't a part of someone's sick
imagination, my spine bends from the weight
of constant disappointment
the fire that twists and writhes inside me,
is a fire among ashes		  
     

(5 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
find a home in me.   
07:31pm 23/07/2003
 
mood: there are welts on my cheek
music: Padriac My Prince: Bright Eyes/Pale September: Fiona Apple
in my dreams, i can't stop
touching you
i can't stop thinking
how normal that world would be
if i lived there
the magic would dissipate
with the curling of my fingers in
the palm of your hand
we'd drink red wine with sex
and revel in our sophistication
everyday would be like suicide		  
     

(1 honeysuckle | full of poison)
 
Do not apply to broken skin.   
02:24pm 15/07/2003
 
mood: aggravated
music: Rooster: Alice In Chains
I wonder if there's a way I can gently suggest my mother to seek a therapist without her disowning me or hitting me...

Today is not a good day. I woke up with a drippy nose, an itch in my lungs and my eyes all heavy and stoner-like. This has shortened my patience and made me cranky. I've already snapped at my mom and Deja today. I just want to sleep. For a long while. Perhaps forever.

You make me so sad.

Wanna see me ramble about girly stuff? Ok, good. I took out my extensions a couple of nights ago, which was painful because a lot of the back pieces were still braided in pretty tight. My natural hair has regained it's health and most of the normal dark brown/black color is starting to grow back in. Asia said the way I wore my hair last night made me look like a care bear. The pink one. I miss that cartoon.

I shaped my eyebrows all unevenly the last time I plucked them, so now I have to let them grow all the way back in before attempting to shape them again. I'm thinking of just shaving them off completely. It might be cool to walk around eyebrowless for a while and not have to worry about the hair on at least that part of my body.

Which reminds me, I have to shave my legs. And, um, down there.

I had to turn down that job I was offered a week or so ago. I have to take care of Deja because apparently, her true guardians don't know what responsibility is. I'd rant on about how silly it is for a virgin to all of a sudden have to wake up and be a mom, but I think I've tired that bit out already. I suppose its not that big of a deal. Whatever.

I think I've forgotten where to begin with the whole applying to college thing.


Writing this has drained whatever it was I had left. I wish I had a pill to pop, or some drugs to do, or even some wine to drink (I'm not going to touch the vodka snuggled in my underwear drawer for a while) but alas, I don't. So. Off to bed with me before I find something more destructive to indulge in.		  
     

(3 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
You don't know me. Say you wish you did.   
11:11pm 10/07/2003
 
mood: angsty
lime flavored tic tacs.

play doh.

stove top grills.

:)

p.s. - a real update, soon perhaps?		  
     

(7 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
Gargle your words the way a lover would.   
12:08pm 07/07/2003
 
mood: hungry
music: I Just Don't Know...:White Stripes
Somehow, cleaning my room has become another form of self injury for me.

I'd love nothing more than to lay in bed and wither away for the rest of the day.

My messiah is listening to songs I've listened to hundreds of times but feeling like its the first time.

My shoulders look like knees today.		  
     

(1 honeysuckle | full of poison)
 
Playing coy.   
06:00pm 03/07/2003
 
mood: i fall in love;
music: never with people, just characters.
the way you stumbled across us, only slightly inebriated: that was different. i would have never guessed your mouth could hold so many words. you rejected my paper animals, my magic, in order to keep yours. all this time, you had guessed wrong. somehow, i was able to correct you with the inability to still my eyes; perhaps you realize how unnerving it is to look into yours. they were well-hidden yesterday. the way you smirked and gracefully repudiated meeting my anger only intensified my scrutiny. you should have never threatened to snatch God from my hands, tear Him up and throw Him in my face. [entertainment] on a wildly dreary day shall not be thrown around.

i think i may have figured out your game. despite the irrelevance of it all, for i'll never reach the marrow of this before it changes, i'll continue to ponder. we cannot help who we are. we cannot help the desire to, either. it is good to feel alive, even if only for a short while.		  
     

(1 honeysuckle | full of poison)
 
   
11:52am 01/07/2003
  panic.  
     

(6 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
   
02:44pm 28/06/2003
  Self worth may just be the greatest illusion.  
     

(5 honeysuckles | full of poison)
 
  nightsmare
 
 
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